This is an excellent list with very good resources. Please read through it and the other postings on planning an escape. Use common sense and be discreet. Your future and happiness depend on it. 

Thank you for allowing us to borrow this list. The original article can be found by clicking the title.

Planning a Safe Escape from an Abusive Marriage

Use These Tips from Experts to Leave an Abusive Marriage Safely.
If you face violence in your relationship please get help immediately. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline for immediate, confidential advice from a professional: 800-799-SAFE (7233) or 800-787-3224/TDD.
To safely and successfully leave an abusive relationship a plan is essential. If you are in an abusive relationship but your physical safety isn’t being imminently threatened, develop a safe exit strategy before leaving your marriage. Include in your strategy the applicable action items listed below and any others your lawyer or domestic violence counselor recommends.
If you aren’t sure yours is an abusive relationship, read Identifying Domestic Violence, visit Womenslaw.org for more information about domestic violence, or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline to discuss your relationship. Ultimately, you know your situation and if you're being abused professionals will help you recognize the abuse and help end it. Abuse has many faces; don’t' be fooled into thinking it's okay. Action Items:

1. Find a family lawyer experienced in domestic violence. Ask him or her for advice about the safest way to leave your husband. If you don't have financial resources most states offer legal aid and many lawyers offer pro bono (free of charge) representation or advice. Women in domestic violence situations can almost always find a lawyer to represent them or get legal advice for free or greatly reduced costs. Don't let finances stop you from leaving an abusive marriage.  (See Finding Free Legal Advice)

2. If appropriate, get a civil temporary restraining order and/or criminal restraining order. The lawyer or domestic violence counselor you contact can assist you with this as well as the local police department. Protect yourself today.    

3. Find a woman’s shelter, a friend’s home, or a new home of your own. Safely time your move and keep your new address from your husband. Search our State Resources to find shelters and services in your community to assist you with your move. There are numerous resources available for women seeking to leave abusive situations. 

4. Gather the following information and have it ready to take with you when you leave your husband:
1. Important documents, including your birth certificate, driver’s license, passport, green card, work permits, social security card, health insurance card, automobile title and a copy of your property deed
2. Copies of all restraining orders in force against your husband
3. Medications
4. Money, checkbooks and credit cards
5. Bank cards and statements
6. Clothing, jewelry and personal effects
7. Your children’s clothing, favorite blankets, and stuffed animals
8. Copies of unpaid bills

5. Get a cell phone. Don’t give the number to your husband. Block your number so it isn’t available to people you call. Only give your number to trustworthy family and friends. If you can't get credit or afford a plan, get a pre-paid phone available without credit and for reasonable prices.

6. If you’re moving into a new home by yourself, install exterior security lighting and an alarm system. Get to know the neighborhood and be watchful for unusual activity.

7. Get a new post office box and forward your mail to your new address before you leave. Don’t forward your mail to your new home. Keep the post office box for a period of time even beyond a cooling off point. Make sure the post office won't give the P.O. Box address to your husband.

8. File copies of your restraining orders with your children’s schools.  Talk to school counselors to assist you in helping your children during this transition.

9. Talk with your employer about the situation to prevent the inadvertent disclosure of personal information to your husband. Express the need to keep the information confidential, disclosing it only to those who would potentially have contact with your husband.

If you're living with domestic violence chances are it won't end. Statistics show that abuse usually gets more frequent and more severe with time. Many husbands keep their wives feeling trapped in abusive marriages by intimidation, threats, and financial control. Although it may not be easy to leave, especially if your self esteem is low, you can do it. Keep in mind that thousands of women before you have left, survived, and become happier, healthier women as a result.


The awareness of domestic violence has grown dramatically in the past few years. As a result there are many resources, both government and private, to help a woman trying to leave an abusive marriage. Centers such as The National Domestic Violence Hotline often have lawyers, counselors, and financial advisors on staff or volunteering who will give you the information and support you need. They can put you in touch with resources in your local area that will help you get out.
Change is never easy; especially if you've been mentally and physically beaten down, you may not believe you can do it.  Look to stories of women who've made it out for inspiration, call centers staffed with people to help you, make a plan, and take action when the time is right. Don't wait, call now; help and support are there for you! You can do it!

This article is not legal advice. You should consult an attorney if you have legal questions that relate to your specific divorce.

Partner abuse a factor in unintended pregnancies ANI, 26 January 2010, 03:30pm IST : |                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Topics: Women who experience reproductive coercion, efforts made by  male partners to sabotage birth control or coerce pregnancy, and  partner violence Partner abuse a factor in unintended pregnancies (Getty Images) Twitter Facebook Share are at increased risk of unintended pregnancy, says a study. Researchers also found that reproductive coercion, including damaging condoms and destroying contraceptives, was frequently associated with physical or sexual violence. Lead study author Elizabeth Miller, an assistant professor of pediatrics in the UC Davis School of Medicine and a practitioner at UC Davis Children's Hospital, said: "This study highlights an under-recognized phenomenon where male partners actively attempt to promote pregnancy against the will of their female partners. "Not only is reproductive coercion associated with violence from male partners, but when women report experiencing both reproductive coercion and partner violence, the risk for unintended pregnancy increases significantly." The team found that 15 per cent of the women surveyed said they experienced birth control sabotage, while 53 per cent said they had experienced physical or sexual violence from an intimate partner. More than a third of the women who reported partner violence, 35 per cent, also reported either pregnancy coercion or birth control sabotage. Jay Silverman, the study's senior author and an associate professor of society , human development and health in the Harvard School of Public Health said, "We have known about the association between partner violence and unintended pregnancy for many years. What this study shows is that reproductive coercion likely explains why unintended pregnancies are far more common among abused women and teens." Miller added, "This study confirms that women experiencing partner violence are more likely to have greater need for sexual and reproductive health services. Thus, clinical settings that offer reproductive health services likely offer the greatest opportunity to identify women experiencing partner violence and to ensure that women receive the counseling and support they may need." The study, "Pregnancy Coercion, Intimate Partner Violence and Unintended Pregnancy", was published in the journal Contraception .

I sit here this morning looking back on my life. Realizing I made a lot of mistakes but no matter what the mistakes were, I am still a child of God and he loves me. I am still worth my weight in Gold to him. It is those thoughts that get me through the hard times.

Right now my family struggles with major damage on our property. We heard the worse from the insurance company....we are only covered a small portion. Too long of a story to go into but we feel like we have been robbed to a degree. As sad and as angry as I was over this, I stopped and talked to God last night. I prayed for him to help me understand all this, to free my heart from hurting and worrying about any of it. I asked him to make me very aware that these are only material things and how thankful I am to have my family and friends and with him, I am going to be just fine. I woke up this morning feeling so much better. Yes, I am sad when I look at all we have lost, but through hard work, hopefully good friends, we will not have lost it all. God gave me hope today.

It is hope within us that drives and makes life worth living. If we didn't have hope, all would be dismal. I thank God that he showed me where to seek hope and to believe in him and the wonderful things he can do.

So many times in my life I ignored that he was right there beside me, I ignored the hope he was showing me. I didn't realize it had come from him. Now I see with eyes wiser and more open all that he gives me each day. I am truly blessed to have Jesus in my life, my heart, my family. I am truly blessed to now be able to see situations for what they are. They are not the end of the world if I follow his lead, I believe, and I have hope.

Why do I discuss hope today? Because I believe when I was in an abusive situation I never saw hope, I only saw the dark days of living with a violent man who I detested. I only saw day after day being trapped and having to live a life I hated. I saw only my two babies as my saving grace. But I also saw the stress that having two children in this situation caused.

It wasn't until I finally reached out to a support group and found Carol. She was my saving grace, she was my mentor, friend, and the one person who allowed me to see again. She gave me hope for a life better than what I had. One that was more deserving, one that was filled with ups and downs but it was my own again. I could be who I wanted to be. I would be free.

If you feel you do not have hope......reach out to someone who can help. Don't wait, do it today. It will be the best decision you have ever made. You can dream and you can do....take a step forward and give yourself some hope again!

Controlling behaviors are often found in abusive situations. Below is a checklist of what behaviors are considered controlling in different situations.  Please take the time to read this if you suspect someone is being controlled or if you even think that you may be in a relationship that does not flourish and promote you as an individual.


Checklist found on Google Docs

Getting the children back to school has proved to be exhausting when not a single one wants to go back. They love being home with Mom that much! lol

Ok so now the info you all have been waiting for times two!

- 2 reasons per day of why you should be celebrating your life.
- 2 Inspirational messages
- 2 Scripture passages of gratitude
- 2 Tips for receiving help on how to get safe!
- 1 New featured product from our online gift store each day

Why celebrate your life when you feel your at the end of your rope; when your feeling trapped, depressed, anger for a life you didn't ask for?

1) Today is a new day, what can happen is only limited by your own fears or stops. You want a free life, you want friends and family that have been alienated back in your life. Today celebrate and make that first move to bring your desires into action.
2) Celebrate because even when the rest of the world seems so far away from you, Jesus is always in arms reach. You just have to speak to him, pray, ask him to help you because with out him, nothing is possible.
3)Celebrate life because you breathe. If you would rather be gone from this life becuase you just don't feel there is anything worth while living for, it is time to reach out for help. There are organizations all over that can help you my friend. They can change your life around for the better.
4) Celebrate life if you have children. Children have a way of keeping us young, they teach us lessons about ourselves, they are not the burden, the way you live your life is the burden if you blame them. They came into this life expecting you to protect them, love them, and nourish them. Do something out of the love you have for them to change your situation today!

Inspirational Messages for today!

1) When the world beats you down, get back up and dust off. Your the only one that can let the world do this to you.

2)Seasons change, people change, lives change, everything around us changes. The only thing that does not change is the core of who we are. If you have tendencies to harm others you will always carry those tendencies. They don't just go away. Extensive help, counseling, determination to be different is the only way you will see a change. So what does this tell you about your abuser? Are they getting help? Are they determined to change? Or do you just see empty promises and many "I am sorry". "It won't happen again"  until the next time comes........  See the red flags and listen to them. God is trying to tell you to be safe and live life the way he wanted you too. Your breaking his heart by staying in a relationship that evil exists. Make today the day you promise God with his help to find a way out.

3)  All violence, all that is dreary and repels is not power, it is the absence of power. This statement said by Ralph Emerson is thought provoking. It is true if you look at the abuser. He/She tries to manipulate their partner, have power over them for the simple reason I can guarantee, they lack power in the rest of their lives. They feel out of control, unhappy, addicted to some kind of drug or alcohol, they are unhappy with themselves....... They lack power of oneself. Is it the abused persons fault? Of course not. Then why do you allow yourself to stay in this situation?

4) There is violence that liberates, and a violence that enslaves, there is a violence that is moral and a violence that is immoral.  - Benito Mussolini


Scripture passages: I hope God will forgive me for not listing Scripture today, but I believe there is an important message that he would like you to see instead. Some very profound statements that you need to think about in your own relationship.

1) Marriage is for committed lovers, not hostages. Marriage is sacred and is for two people that are very much spiritually complete with each other. It requires sacrificial service but not martyrdom.

2) In every abusive relationship violence usually occurs in cycles. The cycle begins with tension building, anger, blaming and irritation. The violent stage comes next and it's point is to afflict physical hurt, pain by hitting, slapping, pulling hair, kicking, throwing things etc.... After the physical has quieted down the abuser than feels remorse and will promise never to do this again. This is often called the honeymoon stage because they will seem overly loving, considerate as in the beginning of a relationship. They will sweet talk you but again, the cycle will continue another day. If you view this pattern happening often, you need to get out! It doesn't get better without any intervention. You are in danger and your children may be as well.

3) How to know if someone has truly changed and is really going to stop the abusive behaviors: Look for these signs, Look for consistency every single day, he shows you that he values and appreciates you, you mean something important to him. He listens now without making you feel tensed. He can show compassion and cares how you feel even if you do not agree with him. He respects you as an equal and doesn't try to control you or dismiss you based on your opinions. He shows affection without having to go to sex. He understands that his guilt, shame, anxiety, anger, are his own and not to be blamed on you.

4) Seek wisdom and talk to someone who can give you a clear unbiased viewpoint on whether or not you should try to reconcile your relationship. You must make sure your abuser has demonstrated strong accountability and really has changed. In order to reconcile, you must feel stronger, secure, not have fear to voice your opinions in the relationship any longer. You absolutely must feel valued. If you do not, this relationship is not ready for reconciliation and more help is needed.
Most of all, pray to God and the Holy Spirit to help you, guide you, and give you the wisdom, strength, and courage you need to make these decisions.


HOW TO BE SAFE!

Money - You must stash some money away. Pawn, sell, anything you can to get a bit of money saved up. Collect change from his pockets. Save some extra money from grocery shopping. Every quarter, dollar adds up and your going to need money to survive on your own. This will make the transition easier. Just what ever you do, keep it secret, keep it at a friends house or in the bank account you should have opened. Make sure he does not find out about it though, it could send him into an abusive cycle again.









Credit in your name - This can be done even if you don't have credit or bad credit. You can place 200.00 in a bank account that can't be touched. Get a secured credit card from your bank on this and ask a friend or relative to co-sign for you. Be financially responsible though! This is a matter of your life. In order to establish good credit, you must use the card to make small purchases and pay if off in the same month. Once this has been done for approximately a six month period, go to a department store and get a card in your name. Again do the same thing. Make small purchases that you know can be paid of that month. You want to establish at least three good lines of credit.







Protect your new accounts - Instruct your financial institutions to replace your social security with a password that only you know. Change your account numbers. You can do this even though they don't advertise it.

Department of Motor Vehicles -  Do you have a vehicle to take with you? Is it registered in your name only? Wonderful if it is. Do you have a vehicle that the title states his name OR your name? You can take his name off the title and I would absolutely do this! If it states husbands name AND your name on the title it will require his signature in order to turn the vehicle over to you. I would suggest getting another vehicle.






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Christian love vs. being a doormat!

Tuesday, November 17th, 2009 by Jan Koester
It’s 10:30 Saturday evening and Susan’s phone rings. Wanting to ignore it, she lets it ring four times, then out of guilt picks it up. “Hi, how are you? This is Pat,” a woman’s voice announces. Before Susan can respond, Pat continues, “Hon, I know this is asking a lot, but could you pick me up at the bus station and drive me home? I just got in from San Diego.”
“Do you have the money for a taxi?” Susan asks. “If I have to,” Pat responds. “But you know, Christmas is only a month away, and I really need to conserve . . .”
Susan, already worn out, still has work to do on a junior high Sunday school lesson she has to teach. The bus station is twenty minutes away, and Pat’s home is on the other side of town. By the time she’d get back she’d have no energy left to prepare. Besides, Pat has taken advantage of her more times than Susan can remember.
Susan would like to tell Pat she has neither the time nor the energy to come for her. And, when she can collect herself, she would like to speak honestly with Pat about her presumptuousness. Yet Susan remembers Jesus’ admonition to go the second mile. “Isn’t this clearly a situation where I need to bend for someone else?” she wonders. “Wouldn’t confronting Pat violate Jesus’ command to turn the other cheek? Doesn’t God require me to deny myself for Pat’s sake?”
The Ongoing Question
To assert yourself or not to do so? To stand up for yourself or go along with someone else’s wishes? We struggle with this issue often as Christians. For Susan, the question is whether to cave in to a friend’s unreasonable expectations. Like her, we each face situations where people try to take advantage of us-occasions when friends expect too much of us, for instance, or when someone in business tries to exploit us. The sensitive Christian wonders, “Should I stand up for my rights–or is it more Godly to give in?”
In other cases our concern isn’t with standing up for our rights but with whether to express ourselves straightforwardly. Should I speak up and say what I’m thinking in this class? Should I tell her how much I care for her? Should I share my faith with him? Should I state my qualifications confidently in this job interview?
Many of us are uncomfortable asserting ourselves in some situations, and some of us are uneasy doing so in any setting. One problem may be that we are shy or feel awkward with people. We fear we’ll fail in our attempt to be outspoken and experience unbearable embarrassment. Learning how to confront and manage our fears is a major step forward in becoming more assertive. We need to strive, too, for greater optimism about our possibilities for success.
Yet we’re often hindered as well by misconceptions about biblical teaching. We assume that being assertive implies behavior that is patently un-Christian: demanding our rights, trampling over the needs of others and feeling the freedom to blow our lid whenever we feel like it.
Healthy Assertiveness
Most writers and teachers who promote assertiveness have two goals. One is to help individuals “own” their own lives–to break free of the control of others’ expectations and to stay in control of their emotions when they speak. If I ventilate anger at others, for example, it suggests that I’m not being freely assertive but am letting their expectations control me, for I’ve allowed them to upset me. Owning my own life is more likely reflected in my responding calmly, even politely to them. Thus the feisty Manuel J. Smith, author of a best-selling book on assertiveness, devotes a surprising portion to helping readers learn to accept criticism graciously and nondefensively.*
The other aim of assertiveness training is to encourage individuals to take initiative to express their convictions and concerns honestly to others. Such self-expression shouldn’t be at the wholesale expense of others’ feelings; indeed, assertiveness is most effective when exercised with empathy and compassion. Still, expressing yourself is important. It contributes not only to your own well-being and productivity but to the quality of your relationships as well.
When defined this way, assertiveness is not incompatible with Paul’s instruction to speak the truth in love to each other in Ephesians 4:15. There, he clearly admonishes Christians to be assertive, at least within certain boundaries.
Still, we may be more inclined to think of the boundaries than of the freedom or mandate implied in any biblical teaching on assertiveness. And the notion of owning our life, at the heart of assertiveness training, seems to fly in the face of what we’ve long been taught–that we must sacrifice our interests for others’ needs. Can such unselfishness possibly reconcile with owning our life?
Owning Your Own Life
In fact it can, and the two concepts go hand in hand in Scripture. In the biblical understanding, I am called to give myself to another’s needs as an act of free will. It’s this free-choice aspect of my decision to help another that makes it a true response of Christian compassion. Yet I can only give myself freely if I own my life in the first place.
It’s in this spirit that Paul declares, “Though I am free and belong to no man, I make myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible” (1 Cor 9:19 NIV). Here and elsewhere Paul emphasizes about equally his cherished liberty as a child of Christ and his deliberate decision to invest his life for the sake of others. Because he is free to begin with, he can make the choice to sacrifice for others from compassion and healthy motivation.
Whenever the Scriptures instruct us to give ourselves to others’ needs, in fact, the assumption that we must first own our life is implicit. We see it in various descriptions of Jesus himself. He was able to wash his disciples’ feet, for instance, because of his strong sense of identity (Jn 13:4-5).
We find it, too, where we might least expect it–in Jesus’ teaching about turning the other cheek in his Sermon on the Mount. There he cautions against a retributive spirit and mentions three occasions where we should give double compliance to an aggressor:
“You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.” (Mt 5:38-42 NIV)
It might seem that Jesus was exhorting us to be a doormat to others’ aggression and abuse, and many Christians have taken his teaching in exactly this way. This is certainly the last thing Jesus meant. Rather, by urging double compliance, he was telling us to take control of an unjust situation.
By choosing to walk a second mile with someone, instead of the single mile they demand, I demonstrate that I am deciding for myself what my response will be. From this angle, going the second mile and turning the other cheek are profoundly assertive acts. Such double compliance also aims to have two redemptive effects on the other person. It shows him I will not let him manipulate me, and perhaps erases his desire to do so. It also shames him for his decision to take advantage of me.
Considering the Outcome
This perspective is truly liberating, for it suggests that if turning the other cheek will not affect another redemptively, or will result in someone’s harm, I’m not expected to respond in this way. Certain Christian men during the Russian revolution who stood by and allowed soldiers to rape their wives, believed they were fulfilling Jesus’ requirement for passivity yet seriously misunderstood his intent.
Numerous unjust situations occur where we benefit no one by complying with the injury or by rolling over and playing dead. A woman whose husband abuses her helps neither him nor herself by allowing him to treat her cruelly.
In the same way, I am usually kidding myself if I think that any positive Christian witness results from allowing someone in a modern business situation to cheat me financially. An impersonal climate exists in most business transactions today that renders turning the other cheek ineffective.
If a car dealership performs shoddy repairs on my car, for instance, I help no one in their spiritual journey by choosing not to complain. Employees won’t likely connect my silence with my Christian convictions. The proper Christian response in this case is to point out the problem to them and to calmly but persistently insist that they make the proper repair–for by doing so, I’m denting their conviction that they can take advantage of their customers.
Does the Shoe Fit?
I also doubt that Jesus meant to lay the mandate of turning the other cheek upon all believers at all stages in their spiritual development. He gave this instruction to his “disciples” (Mt 5:1)–that is, to those who were at a stage of growth where they were ready to respond to others at this level.
Not once in the Gospels, for instance, did Jesus preach self-denial or the need for noble sacrifice to someone who was physically or emotionally ill. Instead–and without exception–he healed the sick or needy person and did not immediately lay the burden of moving mountains upon him or her. It was to those who were well, in body and mind, that Jesus urged self-denial. They were able to give themselves to others for his sake because they had a self to give.
There is, in short, a developmental process in becoming assertive that accords fully with biblical teaching. Turning the other cheek is the ideal. Yet we must be honest with ourselves about whether we’re ready to do it in a healthy manner. If you’re shy, you’ve probably found it difficult to stand up for yourself and to make independent decisions. Allow yourself time to grow and to learn to own your life more fully. Then, when you can truly do it freely, be open to those special instances when Christ may call you to turn the other cheek. Focus first upon becoming more assertive, as part of taking responsible stewardship of your life as a Christian.
One other point is helpful to keep in mind in turning-the-other-cheek situations. As my friend Omar Omland points out in his inspiring book The Third Mile, Jesus spoke of double compliance in certain situations, but never of triple compliance.** While he encouraged the second mile, he didn’t necessarily recommend a third. There may be limits, then, to how fully he expects us to sacrifice in order to help someone. In every case the vital matter is that we give ourselves freely. We’re called first to own our life, then to respond to others’ needs in light of the energy God gives us and the priorities he lays upon us.