Christian love vs. being a doormat!

Tuesday, November 17th, 2009 by Jan Koester
It’s 10:30 Saturday evening and Susan’s phone rings. Wanting to ignore it, she lets it ring four times, then out of guilt picks it up. “Hi, how are you? This is Pat,” a woman’s voice announces. Before Susan can respond, Pat continues, “Hon, I know this is asking a lot, but could you pick me up at the bus station and drive me home? I just got in from San Diego.”
“Do you have the money for a taxi?” Susan asks. “If I have to,” Pat responds. “But you know, Christmas is only a month away, and I really need to conserve . . .”
Susan, already worn out, still has work to do on a junior high Sunday school lesson she has to teach. The bus station is twenty minutes away, and Pat’s home is on the other side of town. By the time she’d get back she’d have no energy left to prepare. Besides, Pat has taken advantage of her more times than Susan can remember.
Susan would like to tell Pat she has neither the time nor the energy to come for her. And, when she can collect herself, she would like to speak honestly with Pat about her presumptuousness. Yet Susan remembers Jesus’ admonition to go the second mile. “Isn’t this clearly a situation where I need to bend for someone else?” she wonders. “Wouldn’t confronting Pat violate Jesus’ command to turn the other cheek? Doesn’t God require me to deny myself for Pat’s sake?”
The Ongoing Question
To assert yourself or not to do so? To stand up for yourself or go along with someone else’s wishes? We struggle with this issue often as Christians. For Susan, the question is whether to cave in to a friend’s unreasonable expectations. Like her, we each face situations where people try to take advantage of us-occasions when friends expect too much of us, for instance, or when someone in business tries to exploit us. The sensitive Christian wonders, “Should I stand up for my rights–or is it more Godly to give in?”
In other cases our concern isn’t with standing up for our rights but with whether to express ourselves straightforwardly. Should I speak up and say what I’m thinking in this class? Should I tell her how much I care for her? Should I share my faith with him? Should I state my qualifications confidently in this job interview?
Many of us are uncomfortable asserting ourselves in some situations, and some of us are uneasy doing so in any setting. One problem may be that we are shy or feel awkward with people. We fear we’ll fail in our attempt to be outspoken and experience unbearable embarrassment. Learning how to confront and manage our fears is a major step forward in becoming more assertive. We need to strive, too, for greater optimism about our possibilities for success.
Yet we’re often hindered as well by misconceptions about biblical teaching. We assume that being assertive implies behavior that is patently un-Christian: demanding our rights, trampling over the needs of others and feeling the freedom to blow our lid whenever we feel like it.
Healthy Assertiveness
Most writers and teachers who promote assertiveness have two goals. One is to help individuals “own” their own lives–to break free of the control of others’ expectations and to stay in control of their emotions when they speak. If I ventilate anger at others, for example, it suggests that I’m not being freely assertive but am letting their expectations control me, for I’ve allowed them to upset me. Owning my own life is more likely reflected in my responding calmly, even politely to them. Thus the feisty Manuel J. Smith, author of a best-selling book on assertiveness, devotes a surprising portion to helping readers learn to accept criticism graciously and nondefensively.*
The other aim of assertiveness training is to encourage individuals to take initiative to express their convictions and concerns honestly to others. Such self-expression shouldn’t be at the wholesale expense of others’ feelings; indeed, assertiveness is most effective when exercised with empathy and compassion. Still, expressing yourself is important. It contributes not only to your own well-being and productivity but to the quality of your relationships as well.
When defined this way, assertiveness is not incompatible with Paul’s instruction to speak the truth in love to each other in Ephesians 4:15. There, he clearly admonishes Christians to be assertive, at least within certain boundaries.
Still, we may be more inclined to think of the boundaries than of the freedom or mandate implied in any biblical teaching on assertiveness. And the notion of owning our life, at the heart of assertiveness training, seems to fly in the face of what we’ve long been taught–that we must sacrifice our interests for others’ needs. Can such unselfishness possibly reconcile with owning our life?
Owning Your Own Life
In fact it can, and the two concepts go hand in hand in Scripture. In the biblical understanding, I am called to give myself to another’s needs as an act of free will. It’s this free-choice aspect of my decision to help another that makes it a true response of Christian compassion. Yet I can only give myself freely if I own my life in the first place.
It’s in this spirit that Paul declares, “Though I am free and belong to no man, I make myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible” (1 Cor 9:19 NIV). Here and elsewhere Paul emphasizes about equally his cherished liberty as a child of Christ and his deliberate decision to invest his life for the sake of others. Because he is free to begin with, he can make the choice to sacrifice for others from compassion and healthy motivation.
Whenever the Scriptures instruct us to give ourselves to others’ needs, in fact, the assumption that we must first own our life is implicit. We see it in various descriptions of Jesus himself. He was able to wash his disciples’ feet, for instance, because of his strong sense of identity (Jn 13:4-5).
We find it, too, where we might least expect it–in Jesus’ teaching about turning the other cheek in his Sermon on the Mount. There he cautions against a retributive spirit and mentions three occasions where we should give double compliance to an aggressor:
“You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.” (Mt 5:38-42 NIV)
It might seem that Jesus was exhorting us to be a doormat to others’ aggression and abuse, and many Christians have taken his teaching in exactly this way. This is certainly the last thing Jesus meant. Rather, by urging double compliance, he was telling us to take control of an unjust situation.
By choosing to walk a second mile with someone, instead of the single mile they demand, I demonstrate that I am deciding for myself what my response will be. From this angle, going the second mile and turning the other cheek are profoundly assertive acts. Such double compliance also aims to have two redemptive effects on the other person. It shows him I will not let him manipulate me, and perhaps erases his desire to do so. It also shames him for his decision to take advantage of me.
Considering the Outcome
This perspective is truly liberating, for it suggests that if turning the other cheek will not affect another redemptively, or will result in someone’s harm, I’m not expected to respond in this way. Certain Christian men during the Russian revolution who stood by and allowed soldiers to rape their wives, believed they were fulfilling Jesus’ requirement for passivity yet seriously misunderstood his intent.
Numerous unjust situations occur where we benefit no one by complying with the injury or by rolling over and playing dead. A woman whose husband abuses her helps neither him nor herself by allowing him to treat her cruelly.
In the same way, I am usually kidding myself if I think that any positive Christian witness results from allowing someone in a modern business situation to cheat me financially. An impersonal climate exists in most business transactions today that renders turning the other cheek ineffective.
If a car dealership performs shoddy repairs on my car, for instance, I help no one in their spiritual journey by choosing not to complain. Employees won’t likely connect my silence with my Christian convictions. The proper Christian response in this case is to point out the problem to them and to calmly but persistently insist that they make the proper repair–for by doing so, I’m denting their conviction that they can take advantage of their customers.
Does the Shoe Fit?
I also doubt that Jesus meant to lay the mandate of turning the other cheek upon all believers at all stages in their spiritual development. He gave this instruction to his “disciples” (Mt 5:1)–that is, to those who were at a stage of growth where they were ready to respond to others at this level.
Not once in the Gospels, for instance, did Jesus preach self-denial or the need for noble sacrifice to someone who was physically or emotionally ill. Instead–and without exception–he healed the sick or needy person and did not immediately lay the burden of moving mountains upon him or her. It was to those who were well, in body and mind, that Jesus urged self-denial. They were able to give themselves to others for his sake because they had a self to give.
There is, in short, a developmental process in becoming assertive that accords fully with biblical teaching. Turning the other cheek is the ideal. Yet we must be honest with ourselves about whether we’re ready to do it in a healthy manner. If you’re shy, you’ve probably found it difficult to stand up for yourself and to make independent decisions. Allow yourself time to grow and to learn to own your life more fully. Then, when you can truly do it freely, be open to those special instances when Christ may call you to turn the other cheek. Focus first upon becoming more assertive, as part of taking responsible stewardship of your life as a Christian.
One other point is helpful to keep in mind in turning-the-other-cheek situations. As my friend Omar Omland points out in his inspiring book The Third Mile, Jesus spoke of double compliance in certain situations, but never of triple compliance.** While he encouraged the second mile, he didn’t necessarily recommend a third. There may be limits, then, to how fully he expects us to sacrifice in order to help someone. In every case the vital matter is that we give ourselves freely. We’re called first to own our life, then to respond to others’ needs in light of the energy God gives us and the priorities he lays upon us.

I missed the boat already! At least we all know I am human. I was supposed to start yesterday with very certain info for the first of January and I posted goals instead.

/ kick in the behind.....



Ok so now the info you all have been waiting for times two!

- 2 reasons per day of why you should be celebrating your life.
- 2 Inspirational messages
- 2 Scripture passages of gratitude
- 2 Tips for receiving help on how to get safe!
- 1 New featured product from our online gift store each day

Why celebrate your life when you feel your at the end of your rope; when your feeling trapped, depressed, anger for a life you didn't ask for?

1) There is always a way out to a better life! You may not see it right now but trust me there is. If you obtain help, counsel, a plan, you can get away and live life the way you want.

2)There are people around you that you may not even know who care and want to help, mankind is for the most part a loving, compassionate being. Not everyone is like your partner or spouse. Not everyone degrades and/or abuses. There are really people who want to celebrate you and lift you up. Can you really accept that?


3)Believe in God? Maybe you say no, maybe you say yes. It is hard to believe in something so wonderful when the rest of your life seems in turmoil. I was there, I understand. I thought my Jesus had forsaken me, it truly was the other way around. God is there to fill your heart with acceptance, love, support, and the feeling that your never alone. Trust me and start writing down the little things you can be grateful for, such as a flower, a picture a child has drawn, a hug from a stranger, a kind word, whatever the case maybe. If you keep this in a small book and look back at it, life doesn't seem so bleak. There is hope in small gratitude. Pray to God for what your heart truly seeks and he will give you strength and encouragement. Don't believe me? I give you a challenge of 1 month. Do this faithfully and start to notice the change in you and how you view life.

4)Make a list of at least 20 things you like to do now or used to like to do or even want to do. Make them small things at first. It takes time to start a new tradition or activity. It is very important that in your daily life you take time to enjoy something you like or feel is worthwhile.

Inspirational Messages for today!

1) "God, I ask You to come into my life today, and fill this thin flask that I am. Give this outer and inner shell of mine strength, comfort and the assurance that I am in harmony with You. Forgive me for being impure against a perfect God. Take control of my life so that I can live for You. I realize that reasoning has it's limits but faith in God has no limits. I thank You for supplying an answer to my feeble attempts in understanding myself. Amen!" Original prayer may be found here.

2)You Shall Know


Walk with Me. I will teach you. Listen to Me and I will speak. Continue to meet Me, in spite of all opposition and every obstacle, in spite of days when you hear no voice, and there may come no intimate heart to heart telling. As you persist in this, and make a life habit of it, in many marvelous ways I will reveal My will to you. You shall have more sure knowing of both the present and the future. But that will be only the reward of the regular coming to meet Me.
Original can be found here.

3)Swift Help

There is nothing lacking in your lives because really all is yours, only you lack the faith to know it. You are like a King's daughters who sit in a rags, and yet around them are stores of all they could desire.

Pray for more faith, as a thirsty man in a desert prays for rain, for water. Swift comes My help, swift and strong. Do you know what it is to feel sure that I can never fail you? As sure as you are that you still breathe? How poor is Man's faith! So poor. Do you trust Me as much as you would a friend if that friend came and said he would send you help? Pray daily and most diligently that your faith may increase.

4)First the Father—Then the Children

Once you start loving the Lord and receiving His love that way, you are going to love others. It's inevitable! First John 5:1 leaves no doubt about that. It says plainly, "Every one that loveth him that begat loveth him also that is begotten of him." In other words, every one who loves the Father also loves the children!

We start off loving God because He first loved us. We practice our love on Him and we end up falling in love with everybody around us. As His love begins to flush the fear out of us, suddenly we can drop the barriers that have separated us from other people. We aren't afraid to love them anymore because we know they can't hurt us. We are safe in the love of God.

As a result, we can abandon ourselves to each other. We can forget about our own protection and preservation and just lose ourselves in helping meet the needs of those around us. We can draw on the ministry of Jesus—not just to meet our own needs or to prove we're spiritual hotshots—but because we need His power to take care of others. We need it to help them and heal them and get them free!

It doesn't make any difference how impossible a situation might be, when we have that attitude and that heart of love, the gifts of the Spirit are going to operate. Signs and wonders, healing and miracles are going to break forth. People all over the world—spiritually hungry people—will finally get what they need. They get to see Jesus. They'll see His love. They'll see His life. And they'll see His power.

As we grow up in love, we will walk in the fullness of the measure of the stature of Christ. We will reveal Him just as He revealed the Father…and the world will see Jesus again!

Scripture passages:


1)2 Samuel 13:38,39 "After Absalom fled and went to Geshur, he stayed there three years. And the spirit of the king longed to go to Absalom, for he was consoled concerning Amnon's death" Flee, speak out to find refuge with in your family. You will find safety. Don't let abuse go silent. It is not your fault no matter what your being told. No one deserves to be beaten down. You are a child of God and in his eyes your worth Gold. Tell your friends, tell a trusted person. Tell anyone that will listen.

2) Job 25:1-6 Where is God? To those that are poor, meek, suffering, God does seem to have abandon us. But it is actually we have stopped hoping, praying, believing in him. The devil is at work in these areas. The devil wants us to lose our relationship with God so he puts us through hardships to see if he can draw us away from him. Keep your faith, believe, trust in the Lord and over time you will see that the Devil has no place in your life. The Devil will attack hardest to those that believe in God. Why you might ask? Because he has the hardest job here....trying to take a believer and turn him away from God. Makes perfect sense does it not?

3) Psalm 118 5-11 In my anguish I cried to the Lord, and he answered by setting me free. The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me? The Lord is with me; he is my helper. I will look in triumph on my enemies. It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man. It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in princes. All the nations surrounded me, but in the name of the Lord I cut them off. - 13,14 I was pushed back and about to fall, but the Lord helped me. The Lord is my strength and my song: he has become my salvation.
Turn to the Lord and you will find the help and strength you need to finally live your life free from the dangers and oppressions you face now. Denounce those that hurt you, you will find the strength to move on. God is love, he wants you to live this life by feeling love and loving other man. You can't have love in your heart if you do not believe you are loved. You must love yourself and God first.


4)Jeremiah 5:1 "Go up and down the streets of Jerusalem, look around and consider, search through her squares. If you can find but one person who deals honestly and seeks the truth I will forgive this city." Seek out people of honesty in your life, those that tell the truth even if you do not want to hear it. They are the one's that will lead you to the path of God and happiness. Do not seek out advice from those that have lied, are untrustworthy, don't stand by their commitments, you will surely stay in the dark life you are living now.









HOW TO BE SAFE!


Change Of Address
If you read nothing else, read this. Did you know, that when you file a change of address with many financial institutions, they will automatically send a confirmation of your new address to your old address? If you are living with him (and I am assuming you are), this will tell him exactly where you have gone! Even worse, many of the employees of these companies do not even know that their computer automatically generates these letters and sends them out. One particular company told me that they could not override this automatic sending out of letters to the old address despite my pleas for their intervention and help.

What can you do? Get an alternate address right now, use your work address, a friend or relatives address or get a post office box and use it for anything that will be moving with you. Why take the chance? Use this address when opening new bank accounts in your own name, applying for credit cards, jobs, whatever.

When you do eventually move, simply file a change of address with the post office from your 'alternate' address to your new home. If you file a change of address with the post office from the home you share with the abuser, there is always the possibility he could go to the post office and ask if any mail has been forward and find out where you are. Don't take the chance, this is easily avoided by getting an alternate address NOW.

If you live in California you're in luck! Check out the Safe At Home program. This is a no-cost mail forwarding service designed to help victims of domestic violence and stalking keep their new addresses confidential.

Somewhere to go
Where will you go when you leave? Do you have a friend or relative you can stay with? If not there are many shelters you can go to while you sort your self out. If you would prefer, you can always book yourself into a cheap motel for a few days until you find a more permanent place - I did. Start thinking about it now and have a short list of places to go. For more information on shelters in your area, check the links page. We have a link on our website at www.jesusdaygifts.com that will show you shelters in your area by zip code.

Social Security
If you feel the abuser may try to use your social security number to track you down or to abuse your credit, you can have it changed. The Social Security Administration domestic violence page offers new social security numbers to victims of domestic abuse, on request. For information on benefits, medicare and all other social security questions, go to their main site at www.ssa.gov (Tel 1-800-772-1213, TTY 1-800-325-0778)

Get a Bank Account
Your gonna need one of these! And in your own name too. Remember that alternate address we talked about? Use that when opening your new bank account. When choosing a bank account, make sure they have branches in the area you plan on moving too; it's no good getting an account at your local credit union in Ohio and then moving to New York! Do your homework, make inquiries, call banks or credit unions and ask questions.

Featured Products from our site made by women who support our cause. Profits are given to support the opening of a new shelter at Jesus Day Gifts.



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I am very excited a new year is upon us and my goals should take me further in a relationship with God, myself, my family and with mankind.

This year my resolutions are of course the old standby, to lose weight. This is always a struggle and I find myself starting and stopping exercise routines. I will pray heavily that God blesses me this year with persistence, stamina, and the deep desire to make my body strong and healthy. He after all only gave us one body to use, I should be taking better care of it.

My next goal is to do more with my family. To help my oldest son with his struggles in ADHD, to find the right doctor for my daughter's up coming surgery, to help my next son with his socialization and learn to rely and trust in people and my youngest to keep installing strong manners and get him on the path to reading, spelling, etc.... I ask God to give me the persistence to find the correct path to accomplish what I need to for my family.

My next goal this year is to help MUIB become a true organization that people truly want to be involved in and to be seen as a serious place for business education.

Next, to learn every aspect of running a non-profit, to find the right people for a board of directors, to raise awareness to domestic violence, and to get my online gift shop stats higher.

Building stronger relationships with my fellow friends, acquaintances and family.

My last goal and the most important is to start reading my bible and journaling. I need and want a relationship with God that has even more meaning, closeness, and trust with our savior.

This is simply pure evil at work. Why would an 11 year old who in my opinion should still be relatively innocent set her Mother on fire over a conversation about stealing?

This is a horrific abuse against a parent. Was this child abused herself? One wonders what the history here was, I am sure it was not a picture perfect family by any means.

This child wanted to marry her 15 year old boyfriend. Why would any parent allow an 11 year to have a boyfriend at this age? Where is the control? Where is the guidance? Where is the parenting?

Obviously this child was allowed to run her home a long time ago. I will be curious to see if they allow any info out on this case. I feel horrible for the families involved. This must be a parents nightmare and they must be sitting in complete confusion, anger, disgust......

How would you react if your child did something horrendous like this? Would you be able to look at them? Would you be able to understand? Any comments would be wonderful.

Hello friends.

In the new year I am going to be spotlighting a women each month that has survived abuse. You will hear her story, the hurts, the pain, the revelations, the breaking free, the liberty of living your own life the way God intended us to with dignity.

I will feature their business if they have one. Please stop by often and read our heartbreaking and uplifting stories.

If you have a story to share, please leave a comment below and I will contact you. If you would like to remain anonymous I will be happy to change all identifying information. You could really help another who may not be free yet. God Bless and I pray he opens your heart and minds to sharing your stories with others.

This post has nothing to do with my business and everything to do with it. Confused? I will explain.

MUIB or Moms United in Business started just like any other site for work at home moms. A leader with a dream and purpose, building a community, providing free resources to help other women.

Like many other sites, the ideas stopped flowing, the focus was lost and than all of a sudden a new year was upon us and new revelations brought on the renewing of an awesome community!

Are you a person that doesn't like to fly around from site to site? Are you limited on your time and really want to get to the nitty gritty of how to be successful. Do you want a group that will support, teach, learn from you? Do you not like to be in this huge online world alone?

MUIB's new direction and revelations are simply outstanding. You see....a few months back this leader (Jenn Rogers) had a revelation with God. She was not truly grateful for what was in front of her. When you lack gratitude you don't have any where to go because your blinded by your wants.

This revelation opened her eyes to herself and all the gifts she already had in front of her. She was able by the grace of God to put God's wants before her own. What did this do for her and this community? It opened doors never thought of, it opened new ideas that are flying through the roof!

MUIB is a site to watch! They have just opened a very very serious website that is not the usual website pumped with info. This site focuses on your business, God, and learning how to be successful. The best part is it is FREE until December 31, 2009. Come January 1st the cost will be 20.00 per month! It will be well worth it for the resources, educational benefits and the faith based info you will receive.

Here is a message from their founder:

Be sure to share this link, MUIB on Big Tent, with anyone you know that would benefit from our exclusive membership site. All members that join before December 31, 2009 by 11:59pm EST
time will be granted a free lifetime membership.

God Bless and here is looking to a bright new year with God, MUIB, and Jesus Day Gifts!

Promote yourself, but do not demote another.

Israel Salanter once stated this phrase: Promote yourself, but do not demote another. Very wise words.


Mr. Salanter had a very good point. Promoting yourself is natural and you should absolutely do this. It is ok to toot your own horn on occasion or whenever you need too (business). But to promote yourself at the expense of another is simply not Christian like. Hurting someone else on purpose just to make yourself look better is not of a pure heart. There is evil lurking behind these actions. Stop and think before you promote yourself are you putting someone else down? If so, don't proceed!


Same goes for personal relationships, not just business. Does your spouse or partner continually brag about themselves and show you ways that you just don't measure up to them? If so, this is emotional abuse. You deserve and have the right to be treated with respect and dignity. You have the God Given Right to be loved and appreciated. Don't ever stand for someone promoting themselves at your expense. 


If you have a violent partner, I would suggest not making an issue but you should be working on your escape plan as soon as possible! There is help everywhere! There is help right here if you need it, just visit www.jesusdaygifts.com and look for our links and info to help you get out safely now!


God Bless and Happy Promoting in a Christian manner.

Starting January 1st thru the 7th we will begin the Celebration of Life Week

What to expect from us each day?
- 2 reasons per day of why you should be celebrating your life.
- 2 Inspirational messages
- 2 Scripture passages of gratitude
- 2 Tips for receiving help on how to get safe!
- 1 New featured product from our online gift store each day

Join in the celebration, register with our site, subscribe to our feed and win a fabulous prize to be awarded on January 8th, 2010!

In this section, you will find some of my MUIB Sisters Businesses. I encourage you to check them out and know that they are run by Christian women who love the Lord.

This section will offer up some fantastic resources. Be sure to check in often.

This section will offer up a safe escape plan.

In this section, read inspirational stories of those who have overcome every obstacle and survived beyond all odds.

In this section, find help for those who have abused someone in their lives.

In this section, find things to help those who have been abused.

Find out what the Scriptures have to say to help encourage, uplift, inspire, and comfort you.

Having Christ as the center of every relationship you have will make a world of difference. This section of the blog will encourage you in your relationships with those you love.

Stay tuned to this section to find out the real facts about abuse. They're not meant to scare you, simply to help you - or someone you love.

In this section, you will see some of our favorite products from our shop that we're sure you're going to love.

Be sure to stop by often!